- June 21, 2026
- S. N. Yeager
Obviously, the disclaimer is that you likely know your loved one better than I do. But this seemed like an important post to make.
So, things not to do:
Nothing
Don’t do nothing. Don’t pretend nothing happened or nothing changed. Please acknowledge the loss. Losing a child is so isolating and acting like nothing happened make the experience that much more isolating for the family.
Say any sort of “at least” statement
If your comment starts with “at least,” stop talking. Don’t say whatever it is that was going to pass through your lips. There are no (or very very few) “at least” statements that are helpful. No, “At least you know you can get pregnant.” Or, “At least it was early.” Or “At least now you can have sushi/alcohol/deli meat/ice cream/etc.” Don’t say it.
Point out the statistics
To be honest, the family (or at least the mom) probably already knows the statistics. She probably feels like a statistic. Pointing them out is not helpful. It hurts. It feels like being reduced to a chance, and often downplays the heartache of losing a baby.
Talk about trying to conceive again
This one changes with time. But right after someone has lost a child, do not ask them when they plan on trying for another. It makes the baby who died seem replaceable. They were just a step on the way to another baby. Each loss is individual. Each baby is individual. It is important to think of the baby as a person…because they were. They were a little person. If someone lost a spouse, you wouldn’t ask if they planned on dating again right away. Think like that with a baby, too.
Be afraid to bring it up
This is going sound odd, but it’s okay to bring up the baby. The mother is probably already thinking about her baby in the back of her mind. You are not likely going to break her by asking about the baby or asking for details or simply mentioning the loss. It’s okay to say his or her name, if your loved one named their baby. It’s okay to ask about due dates or how things are going. You know your loved one better than I do, so take this one and weigh it with discernment.